I loved being pregnant and now I am not!
The moment I found out I was pregnant – I was walking on Cloud 9. I loved each day I woke up knowing I have a little angel growing inside me.
And then we had to wait 3 weeks for the scan. Waiting to know what is going on with your baby makes one crazy. The day finally came and what all happened… I still cannot comprehend.
[Originally written on Aug. 4, 2009] Today was a day I will never forget. I had bad dreams the night before the I would have the first scan. I dreamt that the day of the scan, the doctor didn’t see any babies (sacs) at all.
We went to the clinic today for the scan and saw the first embryo: only 2 mm, so too small. The second embryo was 7 mm, an expected size for 6 weeks, but when the doctor tried to capture the heartbeat there was none. The doctor said it is very uncommon for an embryo of 6 weeks and 6 days. However he said we could wait a week and try another scan to see if we could hear the heartbeat. But we already saw in his face at that moment that he was not very hopeful.
“A clearly visible embryo with no heartbeat means that the embryo started to develop but something went wrong and the pregnancy failed; the embryo was not expelled in the usual way with pain and bleeding. This is known as a ‘missed miscarriage‘.”
I just broke down because deep inside I already knew it won’t be going well.
Earlier I tried to prepare myself for the worse but nothing really can prepare you for this. This is just one of the most devastating experience I ever had in my life.
I cried all the way home. When we got home, I started bleeding- not just some spotting but continuous bleeding. I called the clinic and told them. I was told to go back to the clinic. My doctor said if it’s a lot…it is already aborting.
He told me there were two options, one is try to support this pregnancy but he also said I am already with lots of medication so he don’t know what else we can do to save it. The second option is to flush the uterus and have another try in due time. He said it’s better to have a pregnancy with a healthy embryo than to continue with this one with lots of complications.
That being said – the next step is to do dilation (opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of the contents of the uterus. We decided to go ahead with it today. We were there anyway.
I thought those dreams were just fears…dreams usually don’t come true, right? They are not suppose to come true!!!
We will try again when my body is ready. This is like a bad bad dream…I hope to wake up and start fresh..
I am still tired from this whole experience and am still in shock and cannot believe there’s no baby coming on March – my birthday month. We already have a trip planned to Manila, we will just go ahead with this trip so I can take my mind away from this and start healing too. I will be gone for three weeks …
Vera on Aug 6, 2009
How is one supposed to react to such news? My heart goes out to you. Perhaps a vacation will do you well and help revive your spirit.
{{{hugs}}}
BJ on Aug 6, 2009
I know it’s easier said than done, but try looking at the bright side – you are able to give it another try. Time will heal what’s passed and gone.
Take care.
niko on Aug 6, 2009
am in denial while reading this. if u can hear my mind now, its like shouting.. its not happening.. or this isn;t true at all!! how can i say hold on and keep still when in my heart i cannot hold it any longer and my tears just fell
i feel for you ganda, if it isnt the worst dream of losing a child what else is worst. suddenly lalo ako nalungkot
i have to see u on the 13th by hook or by crook just to hug u and know somehow ur ok. anu ba umiiyak na ko.
see u ganda. i can only pray for u now. but i will hug and kiss u soon! hope to ease ur pain kahit pano..
shen on Aug 6, 2009
no wods can make everything seem okay but in time it will.. this is the moment when we reach out to the higher power and give every pain to Him. He will make it everything fall back into place again. I’m sorry for your loss but I’m sure there will be something much more precious that will come in to your life. God bless, sis!
LadyJava on Aug 6, 2009
I wish I can say I understand what you are going through but I can’t. All I can say is my sympathies and prayers are for you and your hubby. It’s never easy losing someone even if you never seen their face and my heart goes out to you..
Take care…
sunnymama on Aug 6, 2009
I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.
kikamz on Aug 6, 2009
my heart goes out to you and your hubby jade. i feel so sad reading your post knowing how much you have longed to have a baby of your own. but then again, everything happens for a reason. hope all shall be well with you. God bless!
kikamz on Aug 6, 2009
i wondered if my comment came through… reposting it. sorry for the multiple comments!
my heart goes out to you and your hubby jade. i feel so sad reading your post knowing how much you have longed to have a baby of your own. but then again, everything happens for a reason. hope all shall be well with you. God bless!
Stacey on Aug 6, 2009
I am so sorry about your loss.
Nedekcir on Aug 6, 2009
Try to relax on your upcoming vacation, prayers coming your way for speedy recovery. Hugs.
Mindy on Aug 6, 2009
I was here dropping cards and I read your updates each time. I am so sorry for your loss! I have been there myself. I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks and a missed miscarriage at 10.5. You are going to go through a range of emotions. Take time to heal and my regards are sent your way!
Glynis Smy on Aug 6, 2009
I am so saddened by your news, I wish you both courage, good health and happiness in the future.
Mom's Cafe Home Cooking on Aug 6, 2009
I am so very sorry to hear your devastating news. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.
LaShan on Aug 7, 2009
I’m so sorry…. I know how excited you were about this baby. For years I longed for a baby and was told I may never be able to have one… now I have 4 children… so hang in there and don’t give up.
A Lil Enchanted,
~LaShan~
Jen on Aug 7, 2009
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve had 6 pregnancies with two live births. What you are going through is so difficult but the pain does go away eventually. Good luck.
ian on Aug 7, 2009
i honor you for your courage to write about this very harrowing experience. i hope that somehow the love and support from those who land in your blog will bring you some amount of comfort.
I pray that this can be of help as well- Jeremiah 29:11
maggie on Aug 7, 2009
i’m so sorry to hear that. god bless…
genefaith on Aug 7, 2009
I’m so sorry …I’ll be praying for you…
autie on Aug 7, 2009
I’m so sorry, I can’t say I know how you feel but hope time will heal your wounds.
cherry on Aug 7, 2009
just read this, jade. i’m so sorry. Perhaps God has other plans. You’ll see everything will be good in His time. Take care and see you soon.
desperateblogger on Aug 7, 2009
i am so sorry to hear that jade. there is no words to say that would make it alright. however, keep faith. everything happens for a reason. take care and rest assured that God loves you and has greater plans for you. take care.
MommaWannabe on Aug 7, 2009
TO EVERYBODY: Thank you all for all your love and support! They are very much appreciated. I am learning to cope with this and I am trying my best to get a happy outlook.
I am keeping my hopes up…but now I can’t help to be afraid that it might happen again next time. You have all been wonderful. Thanks and see you in three weeks and to the female bloggers I will meet in Manila …see you on the 13th:)
Sherry on Aug 7, 2009
I am sorry, the moment I get your ym I was shock. This is what happened to my friend who tried VIF too… she never give up. yeah better wait your body heal and take time off.
fragileheart on Aug 8, 2009
{{hugs}} It’s been quite a while since I’ve stopped by and I’m so sad to hear about this. I’m sorry for being away and I’m even more sorry that this happened to you.
Happy to hear you’re keeping your hopes up. Stay strong!
bingkee on Aug 8, 2009
I understand and know how you feel. I ‘d been there. Mine was worse, because the baby has a heartbeat but then it stopped beating at 12 weeks. What your doctor said, are the same words that she told me. But I did not see spotting or I did not bleed. They waited for me to bleed and after 3 weeks , I wasn’t still bleeding. They had to give me a medicine to make me bleed. The doctor also said that it’s because of the quality of my eggs (because of old age) that the fetus did not develop properly or the way he should.
What made me recover is praying for strength from God, and meditating on my Bible , especially the book of Psalms. I never communicated with anyone about it (except my husband, my mother , and my family) because it just makes me sadder. So what I did , I communicated and expressed everything to God.
But you have more hope than any woman —you are healthy and young. Way much younger than anyone ever qualified for IVF. It means you have high quality eggs. You are only 25 years old (in fact , in most cases,IVF specialists deny to treat somebody at your age unless your fallopian tubes are blocked). Just keep trying.
LIZ on Aug 8, 2009
Oh my God! I can’t believe it! I was so inspired by you when I’ve read your IVF journey. I did write you on my private email about it. I can truly understand on how you feel I was really devastated as well ‘cos I’ve been there. Now I’m still trying to find more strength of my 2nd failed IVF.
Wishing you a fast recovery and hope that one day our dreams of becoming a Mum will soon be granted..My prayers for you…
Anna on Aug 8, 2009
Hi! For what it’s worth, you did your best. When you are ready again, then I am sure there would be another angel or two, that time ready to come into your life. It happened to my friend and now she is enjoying a beautiful daughter. I understand the pain of the loss as I saw my friend underwent that phase too. Continue to have faith and be strong. God bless.
Gran on Aug 9, 2009
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Do not give up, my dear, and take care of yourself.
Joey on Aug 9, 2009
I know how difficult it is for you at this time. I went through such an ordeal myself 2 years ago. Worse too, because aside from no baby, there was an H mole formed too. Had 2 operations, in fact.
I now am proud mommy to a beautiful 1 month old daughter, who my husband and my elder child (born prior to the H mole) love with all our hearts.
Your little angel will soon find your way in your arms, with perfect timing with the Man Upstairs. Everything happens for a reason.
Duni on Aug 9, 2009
I just read your post. I’m shocked and feel terribly sad on your behalf. I hope your family and friends support you during this difficult time.
sending many blessings your way.
Duni
fatherlyours on Aug 9, 2009
I felt sorry for you upon reading your post. Maybe God had other plans. Your still young and there’s a lot of time for you and your hubby. Have a strong faith!
MommaWannabe on Aug 9, 2009
@bingkee – Thanks for sharing Bingkee .Hardly nobody wants to do IVF unless it is really needed. Not only is it very stressful but it is also an expensive procedure. In my case that’s the only chance for us to get pregnant.
We will definitely keep on trying:).
Vicki on Aug 10, 2009
Words cannot express how I am so sorry for your pain. You are so young, and it will still happen for you!
Tricia (Proud Mommy) on Aug 10, 2009
I’ve read your every post about this journey. I am so sorry about it. Keep your hopes high and remember that nothing is impossible to God. He will give you a baby in HIS time. God bless you Jade!
i have an award for you… check it out if you have time.
http://www.triciamgalvez.com/2009/08/i-have-award.html
Andrea on Aug 11, 2009
I am soooo sorry!!!!!!! My heart breaks for you!!!! My mom had four miscarriages before me – but obviously she had a happy ending, I have always been perfectly healthy. So definitely don’t give up!!!! I know, though, it is very emotionally stressful dealing with infertility and then IVF and now the loss of two embryos. It is perfectly normal and healthy to take the time to grieve and rest after this experience. I am sending you a cyber hug!!!!!
lotusflower on Aug 11, 2009
Hi Jade,
I am sincerely sorry to hear this sad news. What can I say that you haven’t already heard?
It is my fervent prayer that God will give you the grace to accept these trials and start healing emotionally and physically.
There will be lots of time to try again.
My best regards.
God Bless.
Brown Pinay on Aug 11, 2009
I will be praying for you sis…..God Bless you
Analou on Aug 12, 2009
I am sorry to hear this bad news. Everything has a purpose why it happened. You or us might not be able to understand what it is and why but we will in due time. As what they said, easier said than done but there are a lot of good future ahead. You may failed this time but I guarantee you you will be successful the next time. Just don’t lost your hope and faith. If there is life there is always hope and happiness.
ghie on Aug 12, 2009
its my first time here. am sorry to hear about ur loss. there’s always a reason for everything. God bless u.
chris on Aug 12, 2009
so sorry to hear about this
my heart and prayers are with you now…
MoDLin on Aug 15, 2009
I’m so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you both.
mina on Aug 15, 2009
Words aren’t enough to let you know how sorry I am for this experience. My heart and prayers are with you Jade. Hang on there dear…
Cass on Aug 16, 2009
Oh my goodness.. I have been in those shoes and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I am so sorry you are going thru that. I send prayers and positive vibes your way. Next time will be your time.
Phebie on Aug 17, 2009
i’m so sorry to hear that news from you…anyway, move on with ur life God has a better plan for you in His own time…Just have faith and hope. God Bless you sis…
Sherry on Aug 18, 2009
let time heal your body and soul. Maybe time is not right yet, I am sure you both are great parents.
.
Sherry on Aug 18, 2009
yeah its stressful and tiring, that’s why my friend resign her job and focus on ivf.
aybi on Aug 19, 2009
I’m really sorry about what happened. Try to think this way… God has all the reasons in the world to do whatever he wanted to do. I had a miscarriage with my second baby, yes it was one of the hardest, but I didn’t lose my faith I waited for 4 years before I had my second baby. I know that God has reason why the second girl wasn’t given to me. And Same as you, Always pray! God bless you sis!
Kinky on Aug 19, 2009
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost a baby earlier this year. Actually my due date is nearing. I know it hurts. What’s so weird to me is throughout my 12 weeks of pregnancy I had a lot of nightmares as well. Reading about your nightmare made me comment. Again sorry for your lost. I realize everything happens for a reason we might not always no the answer but please KNOW there is one.
KINKY
sweet girl on Aug 23, 2009
I am so sorry for your loss.
God give you strength to face your problems.
Shinade aka Jackie on Aug 25, 2009
oh my goodness I had no clue!! I was away almost all summer. I am so very very sad and so sorry to hear this news. My daughter suffered through 4 losses and it was very difficult. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you big hugs,
Jackie
ria c on Aug 31, 2009
hi jade. i am so sorry to hear about this. keep the faith…
elai on Aug 31, 2009
i’m sorry to hear that… time will come, the Lord above will give you what you want…
Jackie on Sep 2, 2009
Thinking of you Jade and keeping you close in my heart!!
Mona on Sep 2, 2009
Jade, your story reminds me of mine, which is still so fresh, I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks! can u imagine, the baby was fine and healthy, but the water sac broke prematurely, and it was my first IUI, im 35yrs old, nearing 36 this month and no baby! I had to deliver like a normal delivery , same labor pains, same feelings, but no baby at the end. I know how it feels Jade, and how disappointing it all can be. I have to wait for another few months before I can think of another IUI, its painful, this wait is painful, but maybe thats how are destinies were made out to be. Lets pray together for each other. U will be in my prayers always. Bless U.
Bambie on Sep 18, 2009
I really am so sorry to learn this so late. I dont know what to say to make you feel better or i might just freshes the nightmare. I hope you’re fine already. **HUGS++
fedhz on Sep 21, 2009
aw.. Jade sorry now ko lang nabasa to. To think when we first met I asked you bout you being pregnant. super sorry!
ewan ko nga eh, kung sino ung gustong magka-baby un ang di pinagkakalooban. ung ayaw naman, mas madalas magkaron, kung kunware ayaw mo muna magka-baby para bigyan ka diba? hehehe.
when I confirmed na buntis ako, grabe.. gumuho mundo ko. di ko alam gagawin ko nun. hehe. feeling bata pa kase ako. i was 23. di pa ko ready. kaya sabi nung cousin ko na wala pang anak, 30 years old ata sya nun, ampunin na lang daw nya. toinks. ayoko nga. hehehe!
Isis on Sep 23, 2009
Jade, I’m so sorry I just read this today.
I feel bad not showing up at the meet up at Megamall because I was too scared I’d be OP kse I had assumed that almost all of the people who will join were mombloggers and I just didn’t know if I’d fit in. So silly of me.
I wish I’d had more courage that day. Haay… I am praying that you are well. And that you will recover and be able to try again. Your future kids will be so blessed to have you as their mom.
Take care.
Crista on Sep 24, 2009
I am so sorry about your loss! I haven’t been up to date with my bloggers since I had moved and everything else that has been going on in my life! I give you cyber hugs!!
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