I loved being pregnant and now I am not!
The moment I found out I was pregnant – I was walking on Cloud 9. I loved each day I woke up knowing I have a little angel growing inside me.
And then we had to wait 3 weeks for the scan. Waiting to know what is going on with your baby makes one crazy. The day finally came and what all happened… I still cannot comprehend.
[Originally written on Aug. 4, 2009] Today was a day I will never forget. I had bad dreams the night before the I would have the first scan. I dreamt that the day of the scan, the doctor didn’t see any babies (sacs) at all.
We went to the clinic today for the scan and saw the first embryo: only 2 mm, so too small. The second embryo was 7 mm, an expected size for 6 weeks, but when the doctor tried to capture the heartbeat there was none. The doctor said it is very uncommon for an embryo of 6 weeks and 6 days. However he said we could wait a week and try another scan to see if we could hear the heartbeat. But we already saw in his face at that moment that he was not very hopeful.
“A clearly visible embryo with no heartbeat means that the embryo started to develop but something went wrong and the pregnancy failed; the embryo was not expelled in the usual way with pain and bleeding. This is known as a ‘missed miscarriage‘.”
I just broke down because deep inside I already knew it won’t be going well.
Earlier I tried to prepare myself for the worse but nothing really can prepare you for this. This is just one of the most devastating experience I ever had in my life.
I cried all the way home. When we got home, I started bleeding- not just some spotting but continuous bleeding. I called the clinic and told them. I was told to go back to the clinic. My doctor said if it’s a lot…it is already aborting.
He told me there were two options, one is try to support this pregnancy but he also said I am already with lots of medication so he don’t know what else we can do to save it. The second option is to flush the uterus and have another try in due time. He said it’s better to have a pregnancy with a healthy embryo than to continue with this one with lots of complications.
That being said – the next step is to do dilation (opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of the contents of the uterus. We decided to go ahead with it today. We were there anyway.
I thought those dreams were just fears…dreams usually don’t come true, right? They are not suppose to come true!!!
We will try again when my body is ready. This is like a bad bad dream…I hope to wake up and start fresh..
I am still tired from this whole experience and am still in shock and cannot believe there’s no baby coming on March – my birthday month. We already have a trip planned to Manila, we will just go ahead with this trip so I can take my mind away from this and start healing too. I will be gone for three weeks …
Thinking of you Jade and keeping you close in my heart!!
Jade, your story reminds me of mine, which is still so fresh, I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks! can u imagine, the baby was fine and healthy, but the water sac broke prematurely, and it was my first IUI, im 35yrs old, nearing 36 this month and no baby! I had to deliver like a normal delivery , same labor pains, same feelings, but no baby at the end. I know how it feels Jade, and how disappointing it all can be. I have to wait for another few months before I can think of another IUI, its painful, this wait is painful, but maybe thats how are destinies were made out to be. Lets pray together for each other. U will be in my prayers always. Bless U.
I really am so sorry to learn this so late. I dont know what to say to make you feel better or i might just freshes the nightmare. I hope you’re fine already. **HUGS++
aw.. Jade sorry now ko lang nabasa to. To think when we first met I asked you bout you being pregnant. super sorry!
ewan ko nga eh, kung sino ung gustong magka-baby un ang di pinagkakalooban. ung ayaw naman, mas madalas magkaron, kung kunware ayaw mo muna magka-baby para bigyan ka diba? hehehe.
when I confirmed na buntis ako, grabe.. gumuho mundo ko. di ko alam gagawin ko nun. hehe. feeling bata pa kase ako. i was 23. di pa ko ready. kaya sabi nung cousin ko na wala pang anak, 30 years old ata sya nun, ampunin na lang daw nya. toinks. ayoko nga. hehehe!
Jade, I’m so sorry I just read this today.
I feel bad not showing up at the meet up at Megamall because I was too scared I’d be OP kse I had assumed that almost all of the people who will join were mombloggers and I just didn’t know if I’d fit in. So silly of me.
I wish I’d had more courage that day. Haay… I am praying that you are well. And that you will recover and be able to try again. Your future kids will be so blessed to have you as their mom.
Take care.
I am so sorry about your loss! I haven’t been up to date with my bloggers since I had moved and everything else that has been going on in my life! I give you cyber hugs!!
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ngayon ko lng nabasa ito kasi ngayon ko lang nakalkal ang archives mo. ngayon i feel your pain na. hindi ko kasi naexperience kaya when you told me about it one time, parang hindi ko masyado na-absorb. i know this is kind of late to say but i hope you’re feeling much better now and that thee pregnancy will push through next time *hugs*
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