The moment I found out I was pregnant – I was walking on Cloud 9. I loved each day I woke up knowing I have a little angel growing inside me.

And then we had to wait 3 weeks for the scan. Waiting to know what is going on with your baby makes one crazy. The day finally came and what all happened… I still cannot comprehend.

We went to the clinic today for the scan and saw the first embryo: only 2 mm, so too small. The second embryo was 7 mm, an expected size for 6 weeks, but when the doctor tried to capture the heartbeat there was none. The doctor said it is very uncommon for an embryo of 6 weeks and 6 days. However he said we could wait a week and try another scan to see if we could hear the heartbeat. But we already saw in his face at that moment that he was not very hopeful.

“A clearly visible embryo with no heartbeat means that the embryo started to develop but something went wrong and the pregnancy failed; the embryo was not expelled in the usual way with pain and bleeding. This is known as a ‘missed miscarriage‘.”

I just broke down because deep inside I already knew it won’t be going well.

Earlier I tried to prepare myself for the worse but nothing really can prepare you for this. This is just one of the most devastating experience I ever had in my life.

I cried all the way home. When we got home, I started bleeding- not just some spotting but continuous bleeding. I called the clinic and told them. I was told to go back to the clinic. My doctor said if it’s a lot…it is already aborting.

He told me there were two options, one is try to support this pregnancy but he also said I am already with lots of medication so he don’t know what else we can do to save it. The second option is to flush the uterus and have another try in due time. He said it’s better to have a pregnancy with a healthy embryo than to continue with this one with lots of complications.

That being said – the next step is to do dilation (opening) of the cervix and surgical removal of the contents of the uterus. We decided to go ahead with it today. We were there anyway.

I thought those dreams were just fears…dreams usually don’t come true, right? They are not suppose to come true!!!

We will try again when my body is ready. This is like a bad bad dream…I hope to wake up and start fresh..

I am still tired from this whole experience and am still in shock and cannot believe there’s no baby coming on March – my birthday month. We already have a trip planned to Manila, we will just go ahead with this trip so I can take my mind away from this and start healing too. I will be gone for three weeks …

I have been down with flu for the past week. I got the flu from hubby – for a couple of day of him having the flu, I thought I wouldn’t but I was wrong. I started to get itch in my throat as well. And then I got the fever. It worried me to have fever because I did read somewhere that it could be bad for the development of your baby especially in the early stage of pregnancy.

Good thing that the clinic was still open when I found out that I have a fever. I called to ask what medicine can I take to lower my fever. The nurse said Panadol is safe so i did take a tablet right away. (Make sure to consult your doctor first before you take any medicine.) I also drank lots of liquids , mostly water.I just slept most of the time and really had not much interest in food but I ate.

I had only had a fever for a day so I am praying that everything is alright with the baby/ babies.

I think I am getting better now. I should get better as I will be flying to Manila next week.